This has been an unusual holiday for me; choosing to spend time in silence, reflection, meditation, self-discovery versus with friends and family. This holiday marks a transition into a new era collectively, and certainly, my life is a reflection of that. I actually feel myself embarking on yet the greatest shift of my life. There is a new found courage, faith, commitment to living my life – that’s it. Living my life.
You see, I’ve felt a growing sense of unease in what my day to day life and my future was looking like since mid year, like building blocks being placed atop of one another block by block, until the tower gets too high and the whole column starts wobbling with each new block. And what I feel like I’m experiencing now, is not a toppling of the tower, but a taking away of the blocks one by one, two by two, sometimes stacks at time – examining them to see if I want them to be part of my tower – my life. Asking myself, did I put them there or did someone else, and does it belong in my life? If not, what does?
At first this was an unwelcome process. Humans tend to find amazing ways to get comfortable with what is clearly uncomfortable, unwanted, and unhealthy – even deadening to our souls. We are amazingly adaptable creatures, so we can even convince ourselves that the wobbling tower is managable and fun. This is not a judgement by the way. I’m truly fascinated with what makes us tick – our capacity for love and also pain. Our phases of consciousness and unconsciousness. I remember when I really first understood this experimentation in human existence. It came through my first spiritual mentor, Ram Dass. I had read his books and listened to his tapes from about the age of 16, until one day when I was 31, a friend lent me a tape of his I hadn’t heard. There is still only one thing I remember clearly from its content. He said simply: “Enlightenment happens in a moment, and then you’ll forget it. And I hope you do. (He laughs)”
He was pointing to the delicious “process” or journey to enlightment as being the real reason we are here – its what we love. It’s not the “attainment” we love – though we get very confused by that. Seems our whole message in America is about the attainment of “something.” More money, more things, more experiences, more, more, more. Getting somewhere or getting something we don’t already have, and when we get it, we will feel “successful,” “happy,” “fulfilled,” or finally be able to do whatever it is we are currently NOT doing, but longing for, and making excuses for why we aren’t. Its the dream we’ve bought in to.
So, back to my unwelcome process – I’m sure you might relate – I was comfortable in my discomfort. And there was so much “good” that I could give evidence to in my life, for why I should be happy and fulfilled (I didn’t lack anything, and I had experiences that people envied, travelling the world, serving the world, meeting exceptionally brilliant and loving people). And truth was, most of the time, I really did feel happy. Or did I?
How powerful suggestion is. Your mind will take your suggestion and make it so. No matter what it is. Tell yourself you are miserable and you are. I told myself I was happy – and therefore I was. It is why what Lincoln said is true, “Most folks are as happy as they make up their mind to be.” However, how do you know when you are deluding yourself? When you are living someone else’s dream of happiness for you? (Maybe a parent, a spouse, even a trusted mentor.) It’s only from stepping outside of my wobbling tower, witnessing it from above, at a distance, seeing what perhaps some others saw, when they looked at me that I could not see, that I recognized the illusion – and then chose to free myself of it. This is the painting that came through me recently as a result of this choice.
That’s it for now. I’ll write more later of course.
I look forward to your comments. I am putting these thoughts on a blog and not just in my journal, which tells me I want and am ready for your feedback, your connection, your community, your engagement. I am a mystic, healer and teacher. And I go through my phases as many mystics do, of being on the mountain preferring solitude to engagement. Though the last several years I’ve been surrounded by hundreds and thousands of people because of the work that I’ve been doing, I have been on the mountain; sometimes in a healthy solitude, and often in an unhealthy one – feeling comfortable in my discomfort. So I come to you with vulnerability, humility, nonjudgement and nonattachment.
I started this blog by saying: There is a new found courage, faith, commitment to living my life – that’s it. Living my life. That means that I seek not your approval – this feels more grounded for me than it ever has before. I seek the awakening and deepening of my own heart, exploring new vistas of my life experience with you, without the fear of what you might think of me, how I should be to fit in, and do or be what you may think I should, as any one of the “roles” I’ve shown you I can play.
This blog marks a re-entry to parts of me that I left behind for awhile – the Teacher, the Artist, the Healer – and the Student. And it marks a brand new entry to parts of me I’ve yet to discover – yum! My heart and joy is alive. Creation. I’ll be sharing ideas with you that I hope you will find helpful in your own journey of waking up and deepening. And feel free to share ideas with me to stimulate my learning.
Love and Laughter, Spryte